Mental Toughness First, Success Later

People often ask me, of all the personality traits a person has which one is most valuable? And my answer is always the same: mental toughness. This surprises many people. Mental toughness is often mistaken for negative characteristics, such as stubbornness, indifference or callousness (which actually aren’t signs of mental toughness at all). Mental toughness is really your best ally in life.

Your brain wants to take the path of least resistance, every time. That’s its way of keeping you “safe from danger” or so it thinks. When you continually take the path of least resistance, you become unconditioned to dealing with resistance. Just like a muscle, if you don’t use it, you lose it.

Brains that don’t deal with difficulties, such as adversity and disappointment to name a few, are not as resourceful as brains that do. In other words, if you don’t put yourself out there and fall on your face once in a while, your ability to “deal” when you finally do is going to be diminished.

I think this is a huge mistake we are making with our children in today’s society. Well-meaning parents are going to great lengths to protect their children from disappointment and negative consequences. Hence, we live in a world where every kid gets a trophy on sports teams, and grades in school are ridiculously inflated. Then, when adulthood arrives, as it does, and the inevitable disappointments of daily living begin to rack up, these young adults cannot cope. This is my theory as to why the numbers of students being treated for depression and anxiety on college campuses are skyrocketing.

Mental toughness builds your so-called self-esteem. Personally, I find the notion of self-esteem to be a flimsy concept. People use it to absolve themselves of responsibility, dodge consequences and avoid taking action. Self-esteem isn’t something you are born with. It is not something that is given to you by other people (although many think it is). To get self-esteem, first you have to do actually do something, produce something, get a result. When you do stuff, sometimes you fail but frequently you succeed. When you succeed, you can say, “hey, I just did that”. If you fail, well, that will help you build your mental toughness and succeed next time.

Building your mental toughness makes life easier and reduces your susceptibility to depression and anxiety attacks. Naturally, the preferred way of building this toughness is by deliberately putting yourself under pressure: doing things that make you really uncomfortable. The more you do this, the more quickly your body will recover from the tension and stress hormones. This comes with the added benefit of being more “ready” when an unexpected and unwelcome stress, such as a death or a job loss, hits.

Stress hormones wear you out. They are intended to only be released and experienced in small doses. When you have more mental toughness, your body returns to a balanced state of mind more quickly. When those stress hormones linger it’s common to feel depressed and helpless because they wear you out and leave you feeling like you don’t have what it takes to handle things.

Building this mental toughness is very similar to building physical strength. First things first: you have to practice. The more you practice, the better you get, just ask Michael Jordan. Then you have to breathe. Today’s humans breathe very shallow. Our bodies are frequently oxygen deprived. Slowing and deepening your breathing lets more oxygen in, which not only calms your brain (which takes the slightest bit of oxygen deprivation as a major threat), but also slows your heart and overall circulation, making it easier to think and not go into automatic fight or flight mode. Visualizing also helps. Think of the outcome you want. Rehearsing things mentally helps build your ability to find solutions to problems.

The benefits of being mentally tough really are limitless because it makes you much more adaptable to changes in your world. Charles Darwin once said, “It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but rather the one most adaptable to change”.

Think of something you want to do that scares you. Maybe it’s an uncomfortable conversation you know you need to have with someone. Maybe you have an idea that seems unfathomable. Doing this will build your mental toughness. What would help you take this action?

Not-So-Secrets to Success

Yesterday I wrote about how there are no shortcuts. Here’s a 3 minute TED talk by Richard St. John on some of the tools that are essential to getting on with it.

There are No Damn Shortcuts!

Shortcuts really annoy me.

I’m not talking about the ones for your computer keyboard or the neat stuff you can find on lifehacker.com. I’m not even talking about finding a quicker way to your destination on Google Maps.

The shortcuts that piss me off are the things people want “right now” to achieve their goals, right now. You’re probably familiar with these kinds of shortcuts. For example, eating one meal a day to quickly hit your goal weight even though you know deep down that as soon as you go back to eating the proper amount of calories, you’ll gain all the weight back and then some. Or, wanting to get emotionally and physically healthy without changing any of your bad habits, also known as “I’m willing to do anything it takes….but don’t ask me to stop…” (insert bad habit here).

Over the past decade or so I’ve come into contact with many people who set goals and visions and achieve them. I’ve also come into contact with many people who openly wish for things and never seem to get them. I also noticed similar parallels in my clinical work. Some people seemed to have great resilience, make needed changes and get better fairly quickly, while others seem to spin in place and not change. Being someone with an insatiable curiosity for the art and science of what makes people tick, I set about learning what set the two apart.

The common thread I keep coming back to is that of shortcuts. Successful people seem to know there are none. Most people spend tons of energy in search of the best shortcuts. Part of this is cultural. We’ve come to expect to get what we want very quickly. In the days of overnight express, text messaging and one click ordering, we can get many things super fast. This is not a bad thing. I know I for one enjoy playing Words with Friends in real-time with friends 3,000 miles away. But we’ve also come to expect to be able to get the same results in areas where progress comes on a much different time-table.

Can you imagine taking a 1-year-old away for an intensive weekend workshop so he or she can “learn to walk in three easy steps”? Followed by an intensive on “learning to talk in just 10 days”? I didn’t think so. It sounds ludicrous when applied to child development, because it is ludicrous. But when it comes to adult development, we think we can put learning and growing on speed dial and act disappointed when we don’t get results.

So what gets results then? The answer is very simple, not easy, but insanely simple: doing stuff. That’s it. Babies are constantly doing stuff from the moment they are born, and each thing they do builds on the previous thing they’ve done and before you know it, they walk and talk.

Lets say you want to run a marathon. I’m guessing first you will get some shoes and read some training plans (that’s doing stuff). Then you have to get out there and run (doing more stuff), doing what the training plans recommend so you won’t get injured yet at the same time pushing yourself (doing stuff and knowing the right things to do). In short, you seek assistance (do stuff), pull it together (do stuff) and hit the road (do stuff). You don’t run 26 miles on your first day and profess to be ready for the start line.

I find the same thing applies to changes people want to make in their attitudes, thinking and relationships with others. I am frequently asked for “quick tips” or other shortcuts to better relationships, increased sales, less anxiety, you name it. I won’t do it, because I believe that changing attitudes, thinking and relationships with others are not one-off changes, but rather, changes in processes. This is why shortcuts do not apply.

Does this mean if you want to make changes by seeking some therapy that it’s going to take months or years of therapy? Absolutely not. Part of the “doing stuff” that is essential to making changes means doing more than just one thing to get your desired result. Going back to the marathon training example, yes, you have to get information from experts on how to do it, but you also have to run, and sleep and eat healthier and rest properly: several things go into getting you across the finish line.

Therapy is very helpful, but not unless you are applying and practicing what you are learning in therapy. Therapy isn’t going to be helpful if you are only talking about changing or complaining about what is. This is why when I work with you, I am very action oriented, because I know that “doing stuff”, as well as knowing which stuff to do, is your way forward. There are no damn shortcuts.

OMG! They changed my Facebook!

Every notice how change tends to freak everybody out? As most of you already know, Facebook rolled out big changes yesterday to its 750 million users and as predicted, those of us who use the service have seen massive outcry regarding these changes.

Each time Facebook changes its interface, we lose the familiarity, and as we navigate and get used to the new interface there is inevitably a period of foot stomping, and yelling “I don’t like it”. Within a short period of time, we get used to the new features, both good and bad and they become the familiar, part of our comfort zone.

So why do people react so strongly to change? Our brains are wired for it. The brain is made up of different hemispheres and regions and there are three main parts of the brain: the “lizard brain”, composed of the brain stem and limbic system, the cerebellum and the cerebrum. To oversimplify, they all kind of sit on top of one another, with the cerebrum more or less covering the other parts.

The “lizard brain” (so named because reptiles have it as well) is the most reactive part of the brain. Its main goal is: SURVIVAL! Our brain stem controls the most involuntary movements like breathing, the limbic system tries to keep us safe.

This really came in handy back in the caveman days when we had to constantly be on alert for poisonous snakes, scary tigers, all while keeping an eye out for our next meal. These days most of us live in pretty safe environments and we no longer need the “SURVIVAL!” response that the limbic system provides on a regular basis.

Much like a border collie kept in a New York apartment all day, with no sheep to herd, our limbic system gets antsy and looks for things to be alarmed about. Given that it’s main job is to be alert for any and all changes in the environment (lest we come face to face with a predator), the limbic system goes into overdrive when it senses any kind of change. Hence our frequent overreaction to minor tweaks in our environment.

Even though rationally you know this change is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, like most of the little changes we are confronted with on a daily basis, you may scratch your head wondering why you and your friends resisted so loudly. Again, our brains are wired that to do that. Earlier, I mentioned that there are three major regions of the brain, the lizard brain, the earliest and most primal part of our brain, overrides the other brain functions when it feels it is under attack. This is a good thing some of the time, the reason why you can’t sing and dance while having a heart attack.

So when your cerebrum recognizes that this is not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, the lizard brain will override that for the time being. Eventually, once it realizes you are not going to die, it settles down and the changes get integrated into your comfort zone and become part of your everyday routine. Recognizing that your “lizard” craves comfort and routine, you can learn to see that it’s just trying to keep you from being eaten alive and it does perceive everything as a mortal threat.

When the lizard speaks, it usually speaks in terms of extremes. Think about when you were confronted with a change, either one that was being forced upon you or a change where you had choices. Did you say to yourself something like, “I’ll get fired”, “People will hate me”, “Now just isn’t the time”, “Other people aren’t doing it” “I could end up on the street!” I bet that when you have these thoughts you feel a sinking in your chest, anxiety, maybe dread. That’s your lizard in action.

On the other side of the line, when you instead find yourself thinking about the possibilities and potential positive outcomes, feeling a surge of energy and hopefulness, well, thank your cerebrum for that.

Although the lizard brain causes a lot of undue anxiety and stress, don’t go hating it. If you are ever in an actual survival situation such as a fire or a flood, that lizard brain will be your best ally.

So yes, Facebook makes changes. Some of the changes will be fun for you, some you’ll find to be real pain in the butt. I for one really do not like the “scrolling feed”. But in the end, you’ll get used to them and they will become the new normal. Until the next round of changes….

Part 2 on Depression: The Importance of Taking Action

In my last post I shared my views on why I do not think depression is an illness or caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. These are controversial views that not many embrace. In fact for years, I kept my mouth shut about my beliefs because they ran counter to mainstream psychiatry. When you are working in mainstream psychiatric settings, like clinics and hospitals (as I used to do), it creates a conflict because you are being paid to promote the party line.

In fact it was my time spent working at a major hospital, in the outpatient psychiatric department, that cemented my beliefs that depression was not an illness and I was my own guinea pig.

Once upon a time I interviewed at a hospital because people told me that it was “prestigious” to work for them because they were picky about who they hired and they “paid well”. So on a whim I interviewed with them even though I was not keen on their philosophy (mistake number one), was offered a job that I didn’t want to take but accepted anyway only because it was such a “good offer” that I thought I “should” take (mistake number two). Then I started work there and as much as I did not like my job, I tried desperately to make it work (mistake number three).

Not surprisingly, very soon into my new gig I began to feel very depressed. My energy levels plummeted and I did not want to get out of bed to go to work in the morning. I slept too much, I ate too much, I laid around not moving too much. I had most of the symptoms. I’ll even venture to say I met the so-called “diagnostic criteria” for depression.

At work, I put on a happy, professional face, but I dreaded each task. The only respite I got was when I was busy enough to be briefly distracted from my own thoughts and that was fleeting at best (more on this later). I put up with it because I had this erroneous belief that work was supposed to be unpleasant and a chore (mistake number four).

I quickly got to the point where I could not take it anymore. My unhappiness was spilling over into my personal life and I knew I had to take some action. I had a few options: 1) reframe my beliefs and change the way I felt about my job 2) do nothing and continue to be miserable or 3) up and quit, something I had never done before. Keep in mind I only worked there three months, and I had the idea drilled in my head that you had to “keep” a job for at least a year or two.

Since I felt so miserable, I knew the only real option for me was the hardest one, to up and quit. I went to work the next day, gave written two weeks notice (I worked with nice people and I did not want to quit abruptly and leave everyone hanging) and two weeks later, I left it all behind me.

Instantly, I felt better. The morning after my last day, I felt completely different. My energy levels skyrocketed and I became interested in my life and practice again. All of the bad things my lizard brain predicted, (not being able to work again, destitution) did not happen. Reflecting back on this, I was able to see that my missteps were what led to my being depressed, not some unseen chemical imbalance. I did not have a disease, I was just not being truthful to myself. In not being honest with myself and not living in accordance with my beliefs and values, I created many energy leaks.

To recap, this some of the action I took to correct these leaks: 1) I changed my environment. This was the “radical” choice, which I believe is why it was so immediately rewarding. 2) I admitted and acknowledged openly that my beliefs were not in alignment with that of mainstream psychiatry and that I could and would have a thriving career in spite of this. 3) I took physical care of myself, eating better, moving more. 4) I looked at my beliefs and saw where they were holding me back. 5) I relied on my social support system. Humans are simply not designed to “go it alone”. 6) I got clarity on what I wanted from a business and career. Clarity is so important.

So, having a purpose, clarity and having challenges are key pieces of inoculating yourself against depression. In one of the articles I read awhile back (and unfortunately cannot remember where at the moment for proper attribution), the writer stated that depression is confusion and it’s when we start to untangle this confusion that the depression begins to lift.

But what we often try to do to untangle ourselves is to distract ourselves and lose ourselves in social activities and other forms of “busyness”. I know I did this during my stint at the job I just described. Distraction just briefly provides short-term relief, it does not pull you out of depression.

So in short, depression is very real, can be very debilitating, but is a course that can be corrected with patience, determination, movement and support. The key thing is taking action. As I like to say, “nothing changes until something moves.”

In what ways has your taken action pulled you out of depression or otherwise difficult mood?

Depression is not an “Illness” Part I

Bucking conventional wisdom, as I am known to do, I do not believe that depression is a biologically based illness. Many in the medical and psychiatric profession believe and promote that depression is caused by a “chemical imbalance in the brain,” a theory that no one has actually ever bothered to scientifically prove. It just sounds good.

I think this conventional wisdom and the chemical imbalance theory is a bunch of bullshit, crafted in part by the pharmaceutical companies as a marketing campaign to sell more anti-depressant medications.

But there’s more to this theory than it just being a way to sell medication (though it does an excellent job at that, unfortunately). I think the reason why the “chemical imbalance” theory of depression is so popular is because it is a passive way of dealing with a serious issue. It is easy to explain away a mood by saying, “I have a chemical imbalance”.

Calling your depression a chemical imbalance is really just a big cop-out, with you basically removing the notion that you actually have to take action beyond popping a pill in order to change the way you feel. When you are depressed, you likely aren’t motivated to do much, so it’s cozy and comforting to think you have a problem that is out of your control to correct, which only serves in keeping you depressed.

This does not mean that depression isn’t real. It’s not “all in your head” as many people say dismissively. Depression is very real. I think it is your body’s way of letting you know you are not living life the way we are supposed to be living. I see depression as a symptom, a red flag, a warning sign, not an isolated illness that is unrelated to other things going on in your life and body. Depression is very hard on your body as well.

Depression is often triggered by a jarring event such as: getting a serious illness or injury, the death of someone close, a job loss or learning that something you believed isn’t quite true, for example. However, sometimes the start of depression comes more quietly and slowly, creeping in over time, in a way that leaves you truly not knowing the cause, saying “I don’t know why I feel this way”.

Just like how weight often creeps on over many years of eating too much and exercising too little, without you realizing it until your clothes don’t fit, depression can creep on through months and years of engaging in little bad habits and negative beliefs. Some of the little bad habits, what I like to call “energy leaks”, that can add up to getting depressed over time include:

- not being able to say no to people
- being sedentary
- feeling resentful, especially resentment towards past events
- working for too long a time without adequate breaks/rest/food
- doing the wrong type of work
- giving up the things you really enjoy doing, especially if you stop doing them because you think you “should” no longer do those things, for whatever reason
- being in depressive environments that suck your energy
- becoming cynical and negative towards people, places and things
- not being truthful with yourself

This is just a short list of things we do every day without thinking about the impact they have on our life and health.

When someone comes to see me and says that they are depressed, (after we’ve established that they have no underlying medical problems that may be affecting their mood) I have them take a look at their routines and habits, so we can see where the energy leaks are. I find there are always energy leaks, 100 percent of the time.

But this is good news. Finding these energy leaks means you can take lots of action to pull yourself out of your depression. Notice I didn’t say “snap out” of your depression. You can’t “snap out” of depression just like you can’t “snap out” of the flu. Just as it takes time and taking certain actions, such as rest, to recover from the flu, it takes some time, and a lot of action to stop the energy leaks.

Stay tuned for Part 2.